Take the Risk to Blossom

“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Tomorrow, my first born, Candace, walks the Lawn at The University of Virginia, receiving her undergraduate degree in English Language/Literature. Wasn’t it just yesterday that she was holding my hand and learning how to cross the street safely? Stop, Look and Listen! Look both ways. Double check. Promise me, okay?

But, God says “there is a time for everything.” And he continues, “And, everything is beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3). I must accept that God is omniscient. He is sovereign. And, move on. In my search for inspiring words to write in her graduation card, I found the above quote by Anais Nin. It captured my attention. Certainly I wouldn’t want my flowers to stay tight in their buds. If they did, I would never be dazzled by their blossom. How boring that would be. Isn’t the whole purpose of a bud . . . to blossom? It is the blossom that beautifies the earth. Brings delight to the soul. Fills a room with fragrance. Brightens up any space. Demonstrates love and friendship. So, tomorrow, I will be celebrating the taking of a risk. The risk of opening my heart and life to brand new blooms. Letting go my first born. Again.

During a radio interview this past Thursday, the host, Paul, asked me an interesting question. I haven’t been asked this question before. He said, “When you were a little girl, you had a dream about your future family. Is it what you thought it would be? Is it the family you dreamed about?” Taken a bit off guard by his question, I took a moment to reflect on my answer. I never want to sound pompous or perfect. Because I am neither of those things. And, my family is not perfect. It is a work in progress. It is under the Divine Superintence of God Almighty . . . who is constantly conforming us into his own image. “Paul,” I spoke. “I would have to say it is even better than I imagined as a child. It is not perfect. We work daily on making our family healthy, sound and spiritually strong. But, it is a family. And I consider myself very blessed.”

Risk, defined, simply means, “to expose oneself to the chance of injury or loss; put oneself in danger; hazard; venture.” Exposure. Revealing. Unmasking. Uncovering. Life is all about risks. Growth is all about risks. Change is all about risk. But, it is in the risk that we find joy. I do not want to be the bud that remains tight. Set in my ways. Stuck in a rut. Unwilling to change. NO! I want to take the risk to blossom!

Won’t you join me? I know that change can be fearful. We’ll talk more about that later. But, for today, take a minute to ask yourself, “Am I willing to take the risk of blossoming?” I have been a mother for so many years. And I know that I will never do anything more fulfilling. BUT, they must grow and leave home. God designed it that way. And, GOD KNOWS BEST. So, tomorrow, when my daughter walks across that stage and receives her diploma, I am going to be smiling inside . . . and saying to myself, “Take the risk to blossom, Janell. Let her go. Look for the unfolding of the blossom in your life. It is going to be good.”

Lord Have Mercy

 Lord have mercy on China.

Lord have mercy on our brothers and sisters in China, Myanmar, Chile, the Midwest and the East Coast (which has been ravaged by tornados). As news reports flood my mind with devastating photos and videos, dire need and faces painted with sheer horror, I am reminded that people need the Lord. I am challenged to pray for men, women and children from all nations will call upon the Lord our God. When I feel helpless, I know I can pray. God hears each prayer and will be faithful to answer.

Lord have mercy in Myanmar.

As I head out the door to make a four hour ride to my daughter’s Varsity Soccer State Quarterfinals, I will remember to pray. Silent prayers for those who have lost so much.

“Lord, have mercy.

Lord, may every men, women and children call out to You in their distress.

May they realize You are their salvation.

Isaiah 42:23 challenges us to pay close attention to You.

Oh, that we would. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

 

Two women who found new feathers for their empty nest!

 

Last Saturday, five days after a strong F3Tornado ravaged my hometown of Suffolk, Virginia, I had the privilege of working with Disaster Relief Teams at my local church. One imparticular, Disaster Relief Virginia, sponsored a LAUNDRY TRUCK. At the helm of this ministry were three ladies I will never forget, Nona, Virginia and Annette, all from Appamatox, Va.

 

 

 ”How in the world did you get involved with this?” I asked. “Well, while I was in Sliddell, LA., after Hurricane Katrina, I saw a laundry truck and realized that we didn’t have anything like that on the East Coast. So, I returned from that trip, presented the idea to the Appamatox Baptist Association and before I knew it, twenty three area churches were raising money for the truck,” shared Nona.

 

“Amazing,” I smiled. “Absolutely too cool!” While we were chitchatting, a state policeman stopped by the truck with his load of laundry. “Someone told me there were three ladies at the church doing dirty laundry!” he smiled.
“Yes, sir! That’s what we’re here for!” greeted Virginia.

Nona, Virginia, and Annette epitomize Matthew 25:40, “Whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me.” They captured my heart and made me realize that there is no job too small in the kingdom of God. Who would have thought that washing someone’s dirty laundry could be a ministry? An opportunity to minister grace and mercy in the midst of disaster? This begs the question, “What little thing can I do, today, to make a big difference in the life of someone I know?” Ask God to show you. Then, do it! Let me know how it turns out!

For more information on the vital Virginia Disaster Relief Ministry, check their website: http://www.vbmb.org/glocalmissions/disaster.htm

 

 

 

RED CROSS NEEDS YOUR HELP!

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life (Matthew 25: 31-49).

Westminster Reformed Presbyterian Church, my home church, is working with
the Red Cross and looking for volunteers to work in 3 hour shifts. Call Melissa
Goodrich @539-0540 if you are able to help out. AND, pray that our church will know how to minister to and meet the vast needs of the local community.

The Biggest Risk is the Unknown

When my heart is overwhelmed, I have to turn to God. His word becomes a sanctuary for my troubled soul. As I watch the news this Tuesday morning, I stare in disbelief that Suffolk, Virginia is the lead story. Who in the world could have imagined this type of tornadic activity here in Suffolk? Hurricanes, yes, tornadoes of this magnitude? Never. Driver, Virginia is five minutes from our old home in Chuckatuck, Virginia. Downtown Driver, a quiet street of quaint stores and dear people, totally tossled by this tornado. The general store flattened and destroyed.

Unimaginable destruction that took place in the span of seconds.

2 Samuel 22:17-19, 29-31 is my prayer for all those who awoke this morning . . . in disbelief.

“Lord, reach down from on high and take hold of all those who are suffering this morning. Draw men, women and children out of the deep waters of disbelief. Rescue them from the powerful enemies of confusion, pain, loss and despair. As they whisper discouraging words into their ears, may they ONLY hear YOUR voice of peace. YOUR voice of calm assurance. YOUR voice of direction. When the discouragement becomes too strong for them, may they humbly come to YOU.

Lord, be their support in the face of this disaster. Only YOU, Lord, can bring light into this darkness. Shine light into this painful situation. I pray that at every turn, those affected by this tragedy will see a ray of light in a helping hand. In a kind word of encouragement. In strangers who provide food, drink or a warm blanket of love and support. May the small things become the big things today. Send help. Send hope. Send healing, Lord. We acknowledge, Lord, that your way is perfect. Your word is flawless. You are a shield for all those who take refuge in you. In the face of the unknown, I pray that men, women and children will look into YOUR face and seek YOU with their whole heart. You are the ONLY one who can provide the answers to their questions. In Jesus name. Amen.”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/28/tornado.virginia/index.html#cnnSTCVideo

Lt. Debbie George of the Suffolk Police Department commented, “I think the biggest risk is the unknown, we have power lines down, we have trees down, we have gas leaks and it’s dark, so people don’t know what they are walking into.” Doesn’t that say it all?

“It’s dark. People don’t know what they are walking into.” Darkness. Haven’t we been talking about this very subject over the past few weeks? Obviously, Lt. George is referring to physical darkness, but I can’t help but make application here to spiritual darkness. And, in doing so, ask the Lord Jesus to bring light to Suffolk, Virginia. My local church, Westminster Reformed Presbyterian Church, is a breath away from the trail of this tornado. I haven’t heard news of any damage, but am certain it will be an integral force of help and healing. On Sunday, my pastor delivered a powerful message from Jonah, inciting us all to break out of our spiritual ruts. “Oftentimes, God sends unsettling circumstances to stir us up. To shake us from our spiritual apathy, our spiritual dullness, our spiritual sleep.”

Wow. Twenty four hours after this message, many find themselves in unsettling circumstances.

Please pray for all of these families who have been thrust from their homes. May God be their ROCK. Their DELIVERER. Their SOURCE of SUPPORT.

Read about God’s presence:

http://www.wavy.com/Global/story.asp?S=8241049&nav=23ii

http://www.wavy.com/Global/story.asp?S=8242091&nav=23ii

 

100 New Feathers for My Empty Nest

 

“Experts define empty nest syndrome as a collection of symptoms including sadness, loneliness and/or grief experienced by parents whose children come of age and leave home. Unfortunately, because the empty nest syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis, there are few statistics on how many people are affected by it.” www.first30days.com

I feel like Hannah (1 Samuel 1-2:11) and I have been taking a very long walk together these past couple of months. As I have been preparing for several speaking engagements-both based on Hannah’s life-I’ve noticed several new things about Hannah, unnoticed up to this point. One being that Hannah, much like myself, must have experienced the “empty nest” when she left Samuel at the temple with Eli. If I could, I would ask Hannah:

How did you handle leaving your little promise at the temple? What was your first thought when you walked out of the temple? What were the first 30 days like after leaving Samuel? Did you busy yourself? Did you weep for days? Did you think of him constantly? Did Peninnah still chide you? harass you? annoy you? Did Elkanah say or do anything that possibly made the situation better? worse? What advice would you have, Hannah, for mothers who may be experiencing the same agonizing “seperation anxiety?”

And, I remind myself, Hannah didn’t have email. Webcams. The postal service. IPhones. Cellphones. Accessible transportation. How did Hannah do it?

My son and I were talking the other day about my forthcoming empty nest. I told him that I bet I have been asked a hundred times or more, “What are you going to do next year?” He said, “Well, what do you say, Mom?” I said, “Simply. . . I don’t know. I’m not living in next year yet. I’ll let you know when it gets here.” He smiled.

One dominant theme keeps running through my heart and mind. . . I need to find new feathers for my empty nest. Years ago, I told my children to write down 100 things they wanted to do in their lifetime. So, now, I am compiling a new list. . . “100 New Feathers for My Empty Nest.” Paula Scardamalia writes, “When your house gets uncomfortably silent, dive into an activity you always wished you had time to do. Pursue creative interests like playing the piano, repairing clocks, ballroom dancing or learning a foreign language. Think of this (the empty nest) as an opportunity to reclaim your passions or discover new ones. You may also want to use this time to volunteer, as it allows you to fulfill your need to help others.”

So, here are a few “new feathers” I have been thinking about: Pilates Reformer sessions to regain my physical strength/agility, Italian cooking lessons, travel to Tuscany to take Italian cooking lessons (smile), writing more books, expanding my speaking/teaching ministry. . . to name a few.

AND, last but not least, Paula Scardamalia says, “With many Americans living until 80 or beyond, an empty nest at 50 or even older probably means spending as much time as a couple as within a family unit. Spend the first 30 days of your empty nest improving this relationship. Imagine your dating again - talk, joke, go on dates and spend more time being intimate. Rediscover the spark that got you two together in the first place.” Now, the empty nest doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

Okay, will you take the “100 New Feathers for my Empty Nest” challenge with me? PLEASE share your “new feathers” with me or perhaps, if you are not facing the empty nest, but another challenge that requires facing a change. . . how you faced the challenge to change.

I bet Hannah started making Samuel’s new little coat (1 Samuel 2:18-21). And, God gave her more children. God has new work for you and I, as well, and new opportunities! For more encouragement, read Paula Scardamalia’s entire article at http://www.first30days.com/your-empty-nest.

Here are a few resources I found that look really helpful for “empty nesters”:

 

MENTAL THORNS: When the Outside Doesn’t Match the Inside

 

“You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light. With your help I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; The word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.”

(2 Samuel 22:29-31)

I promised a full report about Saturday’s seminar, “Are You Afraid of the Dark? Face life’s difficult places with renewed spiritual strength.” I’ve never talked publicly about my private (dark) struggles with depression. But, Saturday, I did. Possibly one of my most vulnerable moments “in front of people,” I faced my fears, took a deep breath, and delivered a heartfelt, honest account of my personal pain. Rushed and nervous, to say the least, I’m not sure it was the most eloquent of presentations, but hopefully, someone was blessed. Dr. Richard Winter, author of Roots of Sorrow, calls psychological difficulties, “mental thorns.” He writes, “It’s perhaps easier to come to terms with an obvious physical disability such as being born with only one arm. You know what you have to accept and you know your limitations. But when it comes to psychological disabilities, what I would call mental thorns, they are not so easy to define and we do not know how much they will change in this life. Through our weakness, through the brokenness of our bodies and minds, God is working out his purpose of changing us into his image.” Sometimes, my outside (my countenance, my outward appearance) doesn’t match my inside (my downcast heart, my discouraged soul), but God helps turn my darkness into light. The weeping may endure for a night, but I’ve learned that joy does come. It comes.

If you weren’t able to be with us, I’ve included my notes/outline. Take a few moments this week to read through 1 Samuel 1-2:11. I’ve spent the last few weeks with Hannah, getting to know her better. Her responses amazed me. Enthralled me. Incited me to dig deep into the well of God’s vast love. I only had 45 minutes to share. Hardly enough to quench the thirst. It only left me thirsting for more. The subject I have avoided studying for so long, is now on the top of my list. It’s time, I suppose, and as we’ve discussed before, God is all about TIMING.

I’ve included some amazing books on the subject of anxiety, depression and waiting on God in difficult circumstances, written by the absolute best teachers on the subject. Enjoy reading excerpts of these books on www.christianbook.com. Remember to share your thoughts/comments with me! I love hearing from you. Encourage others. If you have trouble posting a comment, which I’ve been told has been happening, send them via my email: janellrardon@hotmail.com. HUGS and Blessings on this rainy Virginia day!

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

FACE THE DIFFICULT PLACES OF LIFE WITH RENEWED SPIRITUAL STRENGTH

Who among us hasn’t been afraid of the dark? Things look, sound and feel different in the dark. Trees look like monsters. The wind sounds like a whistling intruder. Cold spaghetti feels like wriggling worms. It’s all about perspective and somehow, when the lights go out, perspective goes out, as well.

Spiritually speaking, “What do we do when the spiritual climate in our life drastically changes? Trouble comes like a summer storm? Difficulty blows through our heart like a south wind? Pain strikes like lightning? Depression darkens the sky of our emotions? Illness freezes life like an ice storm?” Today, we will do our best to find answers to these penetrating questions. To shine light on these dark places. One little circle of light at a time.

Our Objective: The dark night of the soul has many important gifts to give and if heeded, can be a significant time of spiritual growth, deepened spiritual contentment and exhilarating spiritual freedom.

Our Promise: 2 Samuel 22:29-31 (see scripture above)                                                     

Our Scripture Study: Psalm 88; Psalm 77:1-2, 6; Isaiah 45:3 and 1 Samuel 1-2, where we meet Hannah from Ephraim:

1. Hannah’s History

• a. Name means “grace.”
• b. One of two wives of Elkanah
• c. Barren, which brought social embarrassment and criticism
• d. Jeered, provoked, and annoyed by rival, Peninnah, year after year
• e. Poured out her heart before the Lord, year after year
• f. Thought to be drunk
• g. Battled despondency, despair and depression

 2. Hannah’s Humiliation

• a. Humiliation is “to cause (a person) a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity; mortify (put to death).
• b. Read 1 Samuel 1:6-7.
• c. Hannah is a woman who is “deeply troubled” (v15) and “in great anguish and grief” (v16).
• d. Hannah hit rock-bottom. Darkness was becoming her best friend.

 3. Hannah’s Heart

• a. Hannah wept much and prayed to (1 Samuel 1:10).
• b. Hannah completely surrendered. Made a heartfelt vow to the Lord.
• c. Hannah kept on praying, even though her circumstances didn’t change. She saw no visible evidence that God was listening to her cry.
• d. Hannah did not yield to the “Satanic shock wave of Satan’s temptations” to hopelessness. At least we do not see any evidence of such yielding. Oh how I wish we could read between the lines of Hannah’s life. Was there anyone she could talk to? How did she handle all the chiding by Peninnah (Peni, as I call her.)
• e. 1 Samuel 1:18 is Hannah’s turning point. “Her face was no longer downcast.” Her “suddenly” had finally come. Sometimes there are twenty years before a “suddenly.” The painful process of waiting dissolves in the seconds of a “suddenly.”
• f. Hannah worships. Hannah communes with her husband. Hannah conceives (1 Samuel 1:19-20).

4. Hannah’s Heightened Awareness of God’s Power

• a. Read 1 Samuel 2:1-11. Here we see the profound manifestation of Hannah’s intense search for God. The result? A rich, rewarding, intense, thick, dependent relationship with her God.
• b. Hannah had learned to lean hard on God (Song of Solomon 8:5, “Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover?”)
• c. Her triumphant song of praise resounds with renewed spiritual vigor.

Our Life Lesson: The Flashlight Principle

God will give the exact amount of light needed to take the next step in life. It may be one little circle of light for one little step. Or, it may be a beacon of light - enough for an entire pathway. The secret is to remain in the Light. Cry out like Hannah. Even if it is year after year. There is a Samuel on the other side of your cry. Believe God like never before. And most of all, remember our promise in 2 Samuel 22:29-31. He will turn your darkness into light.

Our Benediction:

“Sovereign Commander of the Universe,

I am sadly harassed by doubts, fears, unbelief, in a felt spiritual darkness.

My heart if full of evil surmising and disquietude, and I cannot act faith at all.

My heavenly pilot has disappeared, and I have lost my hold on the rock of ages;

I sink in deep mire beneath storms and waves, in horror and distress unutterable.

Help me, O Lord, to throw myself absolutely and wholly on thee,

For better, for worse, without comfort, and all but helpless. Give me peace of soul,

Confidence, enlargement of mind, Morning joy that comes after night heaviness;

Water my soul richly with divine blessings.
Give me a mountaintop as high as the valley is low.”

 

-Taken from “Valley of Vision”

 

©2008JanellRardon

 

 

SPRING CLEANING SEMINAR TOMORROW!

“Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces up, snow is exhilarating; there is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather (Ruskin).”

It’s amazing how fast the weather can change. Just last weekend, my husband, Rob, Candace (my oldest), and Grant (my son) spent the weekend in frigid Chicago. Every other year, my husband and I look forward to visiting Chicago, “our city”, to attend “The International Kitchen and Bath Show.” It has been a honeymoon for us through the years. This year, Rob decided he would like to take the children. Let them experience “our Chicago.” Well, Brooke had already committed to attend “College for a Weekend” at her forthcoming home-away-from-home, Liberty University, so she couldn’t come.

Well, we had a great weekend, but the weather left something to be desired. Frigid. Rainy. Or, as Winnie the Pooh would say, “BLUSTERY.” Hoping for change, we watched the weather forecast nightly, only to see more of the same . . . until the day we were flying home. “Sudden change. . . ” spoke the weather man. “Spring is coming. Beautiful, sunny, warm days ahead.” All I could do was sigh. Wish we had come a week later. Everything would have been different. 

Life doesn’t always work out the way we would like it to. And the weather, well, it tends to rain on our parade every now and then. Tomorrow, I will be teaching at a women’s seminar at my local church, Westminster Reformed Presbyterian Church (Suffolk). The topic? Sustaining Spiritual Strength through the Difficult Places in Life. The content? What do we do when the spiritual climate in our life drastically changes? Trouble comes like a summer storm? Difficulty blows through our heart like a south wind? Pain strikes like lightning? Depression darkens the sky of our emotions? Illness freezes life like an ice storm? The discussion? An indepth look at 1 Samuel 1-2, Hannah’s life and heart. Three aspects of Hannah’s story will be opened up:

                            1. Hannah’s history

                            2. Hannah’s humiliation

                            3. Hannah’s heartfelt cry for more of God.

I can’t wait to open the Word of God and find HOPE and HEALING for HEARTS. If you have an open day, consider coming to Westminster (www.wrpca.org)  and join us for an infusion of spiritual strength. If you can’t, check out my blog next week. . . I’ll be posting our discussion! Have a blessed weekend.

 

“SETTING BOUNDARIES” with Allison Bottke

Hello Ladies! I flew in from Chicago late afternoon yesterday, so forgive the late post. My taping on “THE HARVEST SHOW” went well, I think, and if you’d like to see the interview, you can! Check it out on www.harvest-tv.com (Thursday, April 10 show).

I am thrilled to host Allison Bottke on my blog today. Her story is absolutely awe-inspiring. I have been reading, highlighting, and rereading her book for the past week. Specifically written about setting boundries with adult children, the content sends ripples far beyond that category. It is a book about setting boundries. Period. Who among us doesn’t need a refresher course on setting boundries? And, more importantly, about enabling behaviors. Ouch. Having grown up in the home of an alcoholic father, I know all about enabling. I wish I didn’t. But, thanks be to God, who rescued my soul, for his transforming power. He can help us change negative behavior patterns. This one truth keeps me going. I pray that this post will be the exact word you need today. Allison helped me understand more clearly the difference between helping and enabling. For this, I am grateful. Be sure to check out her fabulous website for even more encouragement! Have a great Monday!

First and foremost, enjoy an excerpt from Allison’s new book, “Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents” - at www.allisonbottke.com.

 

A special opening message from Allison Bottke: 

I want to thank our Blog Host for taking the time to read my newest non-fiction book and for sharing it here today on the Setting Boundaries April Blog Tour. You are helping to spread the word about a topic that desperately needs to be addressed—with a message already striking a chord in hearts around the nation.

Our country is in a crisis of epidemic proportion concerning adult children whose lives are spinning out of control—leaving parents and grandparents broken-hearted and confused. This painful issue is destroying individuals, families, marriages, churches, and communities. I believe in my heart that you are reading this message today for a very specific reason. Do you know someone who has an adult child who is always in crisis? An adult child who brings chaos to virtually every situation? Could this painful issue be touching your life today?

If so, there’s a truth I’ve come to ebrace that has changed my life—it can change yours, too. It’s taken me more years than I care to admit, but I no longer believe in “coincidences.” The truth I’ve come to embrace is that God is the Master of orchestrating “God-cidences.” He has a plan for who he wants us to meet, what lessons he wants us to learn, even what books he wants us to read. He even has a plan for the trials and tribulations of life.

When we begin to look at everything that happens to us throughout the day as “God-cidences” (and not accidental coincidences) it changes the way we view our world.

That said, my prayer is that you will see the following message and the book; Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing as a “God-cidence” placed into your life today for a powerful purpose. Perhaps it’s to help heal your family or the family of a loved one. Perhaps you are here to help us introduce this resource to a broader audience via additional media contacts you may have. Whatever the “God-cidence” may be, please know our primary goal is to bring hope and healing to families around the nation—thank you for helping us do that.

I pray you will view what you are about to read as a “God-cidence” meant just for you.

God Bless and Keep You,

Allison Bottke

Note from Janell : Ladies, have a pen or pencil ready, because you are going to want to take notes! I know I did.

The book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.

ALLISON: For years, I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want to hurt him - but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life - I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing, my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.

How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?   

 

 

 

ALLISON: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.

                     Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.

An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.

ALLISON: Our biggest problem isn’t about our adult child’s inability to wake up when their alarm clock rings, or their inability to keep a schedule, or their inability to hold down a job or pay their bills. It’s not about their drug use or alcohol addictions. It’s not about the mess they’re making of their life. The main problem is about the part we’re playing in stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make. The main problem is us. Instead of praying to God to stop the pain, remove the difficulty, or change the life of our adult child, we must rise up and pray for something entirely different. We must pray for the courage to look deep in our own heart and soul—pray for the strength to begin a journey that quite possibly may change our own life—and pray for the wisdom to make new choices in our own life.        

What are some of the most common ways that parents enable their children?

ALLISON: Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain - the consequences - of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses - and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.

You say there are two separate yet intrinsically combined things going on when we look at the pathology of enabling our adult children, what are those two things? 

ALLISON: #1 We have the issue of the dysfunctional child himself—the product of our enabling. Most often, we are dealing with adult children who have no concept of healthy boundaries as they pertain to their parents and grandparents. Many are dealing with addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, and more. Some of these children are involved in illegal activity, while others have been in and out of jail numerous times. Some are abusive to us. Some have jobs while others do not, most have extreme financial challenges. Others are still living at home, and some have even moved their spouse or “significant other” into their parents’ home with them. Many have been in and out of treatment centers, most often at the urging (and cost) of their parents. While we cannot change the behavior of our adult children, we can change how we respond to their actions and to their choices. We can, and must, begin to establish healthy boundaries and rules. 

#2 Then, we have the issue of our own personal health and growth (or lack thereof.) For many of us, we have spent years taking care of, bailing out, coming to the rescue, making excuses for, crying over, praying for, and otherwise focusing an unhealthy amount of time and attention on this adult child, that we have neglected our own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Many of us have neglected other family members as well, as the adult child has taken so much of our energy. Some of us are now experiencing severe financial ramifications from having enabled our adult child. Others are finding their marriage falling apart as tempers flair and situations spiral out of control. What is it inside us that makes us respond in such a way—that makes us enable our adult children? 

What are some things that parents can do to break the cycle of enabling?  

ALLISON: Follow the six steps to S.A.N.I.T.Y.: Stop blaming yourself and stop the flow of money. Stop continually rescuing your adult children from one mess after another. Assemble a support group of other parents in the same situation. Nip excuses in the bud. Implement rules and boundaries. Trust your instincts. Yield everything to God, because you’re not in control. These six things can start a parent on the road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. in an insane situation that is spinning out of control. However, a key issue in breaking the cycle of enabling is to understand whose problem it really is.

ALLISON: While recognizing and identifying enabling issues must come before positive change can be made, it is the eventual peace and healing parents will feel as they gain power in their own lives that is the goal of this book. It’s a tough love book for coping with dysfunctional adult children, as well as getting our own lives back on track, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children empowers families by offering hope and healing through six S.A.N.I.T.Y. steps. I walk parents through a six step program to regaining control in their home, and in their life. 

What are the six steps for hope and healing you refer to in Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children?

ALLISON: S.A.N.I.T.Y. Six Steps for Regaining a Healthy Relationship with Adult Children

S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
A = Assemble a Support Group
N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
T = Trust Your Instincts
Y = Yield Everything to the Higher Power of God (Surrender)

You say that enabling our children is “a nationwide epidemic with catastrophic consequences.” What has led you to believe this? 

ALLISON: There is clearly an epidemic of major proportion plaguing our nation today. This has become obvious to me as I travel the country sharing my God Allows U-Turns testimony and outreach. Seldom does a week go by when I am not approached by someone in deep pain concerning their adult child. It’s not just audience members in conflict with this troubling issue, but fellow authors, speakers and entertainers, some quite well known, who are living in the throes of familial discord concerning out-of-control adult children. It’s happening all over the country to people from all walks of life.

 

ALLISON: I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!

 

ALLISON on “Letting Go . . .”

“It is a natural instinct to protect those we love, to help someone when he’s down, to offer assistance during times of tribulation. Yet for some children, “tribulation” is their middle name. When is enough enough? Our adult children are no longer babies, toddlers, or adolescents. We must stop treating them as such. Gone are the years of trying to mold their character. Unless they decide to change as a result of changes we make (if we truly want them to stop), what we see is what we get, as the saying goes (page 47).”

“On Enabling . . .”

“As long as we continue to enable our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being solves by those around them. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions - their own choices - will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors (page 33).

“Many of our adult children have retreated from the trials and tribulations that not only test their faith but would also stretch them in ways that would develop their character, prove their mettle, and give them a sense of achievement. Consequently, many adult children have no idea what they are truly capable of accomplishing. They’ve never really tried to move ahead with confidence and be all they can be (page 35).”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JOIN ME ON MONDAY, APRIL 14!

On Monday, April, 14, Allison Bottke, author of “God Allows U-Turns”, will be visiting us. She has graciously consented to come by and chat with us about her newest book, “Setting Boundries with your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents.” Who among us hasn’t struggled, in some way, with setting boundries. Visit Allison’s websites to learn more about her important ministry:

www.AllisonBottke.com
www.SanitySupport.com
www.BoomerBabesRock.com
www.GodAllowsUTurns.com

I can’t wait to hear more about this subject! Feel free to share the word that Allison will be with us! Have a great weekend! I’m off to South Bend, IN (to tape “THE HARVEST SHOW”, www.harvest-tv.com) and then to Chicago to attend the “INTERNATIONAL KITCHEN AND BATH SHOW” with my husband. Trust me, this is always an exercise in contentment.

P.S. I am still very interested in hearing your stories about how you made it through a very difficult time, a dark night of the soul season! If you have trouble posting your comments, please send them to my email: janellrardon@hotmail.com. HUGS!